I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Houston, we have a squirter
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
