I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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