he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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