Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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