Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
