i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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