even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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