I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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