Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
