you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
