It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The best revenge is premature balding
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
