worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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