So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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