mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
