Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
