You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
