Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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