hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
