My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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