cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
