Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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