he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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