oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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