Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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