I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
