just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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