I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
