Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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