Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
