She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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