she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
