Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
