he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
