3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
