Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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