Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
