I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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