Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
