the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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