Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
