If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
