I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
