Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
