I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
