mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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