no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
