She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
