I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
