Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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