someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
