my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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