I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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