matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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