You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
