I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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