sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
