New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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