it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
