The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Floor bacon is actually really good
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
