Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
