Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
