He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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