you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
