His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
