Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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