yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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