Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
