I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize